One day, it will be my grandson and me. Just the two of us sharing a bucket of chicken somewhere.
He’ll wipe his fingers on his pants, just like I taught him. And it will be time for him to hear the first of my many lessons — words of wisdom that made me who I am today. And in the end, we will look at each other and make a solemn vow. Don’t tell your mother. Or grandma.
1. Of course, I only take one day at a time. The other days will just have to wait their turn.
2. People will tell you to be as quiet as a church mouse, but some church mice just aren’t that quiet. Especially the ones from Queens who’ve had a little too much to drink.
3. The sound you hear in Vegas is somebody getting rich. And it’s never you.
4. Actions speak louder than words. Especially the noise from last night’s chili.
5. Keep calm and make a meme about keeping calm.
6. Dance in the rain as if somebody is going to post it on Instagram.
7. When the time comes, I hope you marry your best friend — a much better choice than the girl with one eye.
8. You matter. Especially to bill collectors.
9. Avoid Ebola stories on the news like the plague.
10. The bigger they are, the higher their cholesterol.
11. It’s OK to be as pure as the driven snow. As long as you don’t live on Three Mile Island.
There are more lessons, 3,786 to be exact, but we’re out of chicken. The rest will need to wait until you’re older and when grandma isn’t here.