Imagine a world without Mormons

Those Mormons drive you crazy, do they? Wish they’d go away and leave you alone?

Faster than you can say Joseph Smith, the staff here at Is This Mike On? imagined what it would be like.

Without Mormons, there would be no Jell-O jokes, snide birth control comments, cracks about Utah, big hair, an uprising of clogging toddlers or more comic fodder from South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

“Big Love” would mean something else, Mitt Romney wouldn’t have to keep answering THAT question and Democratic presidential hopefuls might actually have a shot in red-state Utah.

Without Mormons, there would be no Mormon myths. We CAN vote Democrat, don’t own Coke and Steve Martin is not of the faith. We can dance, aren’t forced to pay tithing, don’t have horns, nor do we sacrifice animals on Sundays. We really don’t have our own Bible.

You wouldn’t have to make up stories to tell the Mormon missionaries you’re not home. Sales for white shirts would drop dramatically.

Without Mormons, you wouldn’t have the largest genealogy library in the world in Salt Lake City. You would be missing with over a billion names from more than 110 countries.

Who would you make fun of for clean living or spending all their Sundays in church? Who would be knocking at your door with a casserole when your hard drive went out on your computer?

Yes, Jimmer would surely play basketball somewhere, just not for Brigham Young University. Speaking of LDS college athletes, the NCAA wouldn’t have to worry about granting eligibility for Mormons who leave on two-year missions.

Without Mormons, more than $327 million in humanitarian cash donations would not have been given since 1985. CIA and FBI would have to recruit elsewhere for operatives and Boy Scouts might cease to exist as we know it.

The world would be without 134 temples throughout the world, edifices known for their exquisite beauty, highest craftsmanship and attention to detail. You wouldn’t get to see those commercials about spending time with your family.

When the end of the world happens, remember who has the supply of food and knows how to make wheat Pop Tarts.

Maybe they’re not such a pain to have around after all.